I just got back from an incredibly sad movie called "My Sister's Keeper."  I wish I didn't sit through it, but Emma wanted to go. It was all about the relationship of a family facing their daughter's imminent death. But, what hit me most profoundly was not the dysfunctional family. We all have one of those. It was the "first love" between two teenage cancer patients. He held her hair as she threw up. And gave her gum. He loved her bald headed. Her face lit up like the New Year's ball in his presence. His love was stronger than any medication. She flourished in his arms.

I have never really felt that in my life for any length of time. I thought I felt that safety for a moment. But, the moment passed. I got my butt kicked. But, in retrospect, I am glad that I loved. I know what it is like to light up in someone's presence like a darned Christmas tree. I know what it is like to feel like one flesh. I know what it feels like to wonder where his flesh ends and mine begins. I have loved, and so I have not lived in vain. I had hoped it would last. I wanted to please him so much, because he gave me so much pleasure. I went against the core of my own soul's wishes-- I agreed to marry him, because I didn't want to lose him. But, I just wasn't ready. And so I pushed him away.

Tonight I saw two rainbows-- a double rainbow, one bright and handsome, the other pale and fair. I have never seen that before in my life. They were so beautiful-- parallel, together, regal, colorful. I decided to chase the four ends to search for pots of gold. It was so fun! One seemed as if it ended over Home Depot-- not exactly what i had in mind. Another over the canyon behind my home, and the other went right over the temple into the canyon. It made me think. What if "the pot of gold" we are all searching for is at home?

I believe, for me, my "gold" is my vast capacity for love. I don't need to look for it. It is in me.

I will never forget chasing around my tiny town with my daughter photographing rainbows and searching for gold-- when all along my "gold" was sitting right there in my car next to me. How, I love her so.